Your child comes home from school and relays to you how her teacher always chooses a classmate for just about anything! Sounds like a case of a teacher’s pet, doesn’t it? Whether your child is the favorite or one of the crowd, this seemingly harmless behavior of the teacher is likely to have an impact on the students’ well-being.
Though professionally trained, it is possible for teachers to play favorites due to the following reasons:
• The child’s special traits may just give teachers enough reasons to be so fond of them. This can be the kid’s unique talents, innate charm, or even physical attributes.
• Affiliation like family or personal connections may be a basis for teachers preferring one among the rest, as the teacher is more familiar and comfortable with the child.
• Displacement, likened to a defense mechanism, which means that the teacher is shifting her attention to a “safe” person – the favored student, who possesses qualities that the teacher longs to have for herself or for her own child.
Children could readily sense it if there is inequality in the way they are being treated. I often observe among students that when they know a teacher favoring a classmate, they are either displeased with the teacher or resentful towards the favored student. This becomes the focus of their conversation and creates unhealthy relations. Favoring a particular student may bring good to one child, but harm to the others.
In my work as a counselor, I have heard these common sentiments of kids who find themselves in a situation where teachers play favorites:
- “No matter what good we do, we still won’t be picked.
- “Lagi naman siya!” (It’s always him who’s the favorite.)
- “How come it’s okay for the favorite (to do something), but not for us?”
As for the favored child, their statements are:
- “I know I am really good, because teachers like me.”
- “My classmates are against me because they say I’m the teacher’s pet.”
- “It’s okay if I don’t finish (an assignment, project, etc), I know the teacher will let it pass.”
These may seem petty for adults, but they are bothersome for children. If you find that your child is in a similar situation, listen, process, and understand him. While it is flattering for a parent to have a child whom the teachers are fond of, it has its long-term disadvantages:
- The favored child may lose the chance to learn some important values like hard work, cooperating with others, and playing fair, since these are simply handed to the child by the favoring adult.
- The favorite has limited opportunities to experience challenges such as frustrations and loss as the child is often handpicked and given preference.
- The child grows up feeling entitled to almost everything he wishes, because he has gotten used to it.
Children who are raised to have their way in everything often turn out to be precocious adults. They lack life skills, such as decision-making, relating with others, and resiliency in facing the realities of life. They are likely to think that their special skills and charm would get them an easier route to get what they want.
Here are some things you can work on as a parent in order to handle teachers who play favorites:
Ask your child about what favoritism is by understanding his insight and seeing if the class situation is affecting him. If he is bothered by unreasonable treatment which favors another child, these details would support the sentiment and be your basis for informing the school authorities.
Talk with the teacher if your child is greatly affected. Discuss how the class situation is taking a toll on his school life. Refrain from commenting on the teacher favoring another student, as this is a subjective and sticky situation to deal with. If inevitable and the issue crops up, use a non-threatening and helpful tone. Be objective and allow the teacher to offer explanation.
Talk to the coordinator or director as they are the authorities who can deal with it. Share both sides – your child’s story and the teacher’s statements. Your intention should be to convey a feedback and seek help for your child’s welfare, rather than a file complaint against the teacher. Share your desire to help your child in handling the situation, and that you want to get help from their end. Trust their authority, respect their response, and request for an update periodically until you see results.
Once you have done your part, let go. Focus on affirming your child, noting his strengths, avoiding negative remarks, and working on his confidence and self-esteem. At the end of it all, even if the teacher chooses to play favorites, your child should not feel less of a person with the help of your assurance and belief in his innate ability. You, and the other significant people in his life, can make him feel loved and accepted the way he is.
This article has been updated, but first appeared in Smartparenting.com.ph, 25 August 2011.