I am a mother of two kids and my elder child aged 14 has autism. Because of his condition, my husband and I give him special attention.
However, we noticed our 10-year-old daughter is getting jealous of her brother. She tries to do her brother’s activities so that we can give her the same appreciation and time. She even mentioned once that we only care for our son, but I’d like to believe that we don’t lack spending time with her, too.
How do we explain to her the situation? How do we balance our time with our kids? Hope you can help us.
Striving Mom
Dear Striving Mom,
I affirm you in your dedication to your children’s welfare. Having a child with special needs is a big challenge for any family, and I understand the attention you are showering him.
Your daughter is at her puberty or pre-teen phase. She is establishing her sense of competence and confidence, and she is exploring the world around her. She seeks your affirmation, attention, approval, and affection.
Assess the quality and consistency of your attention to her. Does she know when it’s her time with mom and dad? Do you affirm her for her efforts and accomplishments – big or small?
It is common for families such as yours to give excuses for the special needs of the other child – without realizing that your frequent reference to your son’s needs (such as “You have to understand your brother…” and “He is special…”) creates unhealthy feelings with your girl instead of building the siblings’ bond. Jealousy is a sign of lack of assurance.
Spend more time with her. Take her out on regular dates. Refrain from making her brother’s condition as an excuse at her expense. Affirm her when she shows love and effort to understand the family’s needs. Always be positive parents to her.
Address this concern now to make her feel secure and connected to the family. Make it your goal to build her self-worth, as well as her brother’s and build the family’s bond.
Love,
Ms. A