“My mom often says that she is too tired to listen to me,” said a 14-year-old girl.
“How can I relate to my dad when all he talks about when we’re together is his work and his political views?” A teenaged boy said.
These are the real sentiments of teenagers. I hear them in one-on-one sessions and in forums. After these talks, I see realization in the eyes of those who intently listened. Some of them approach me, hoping to ask questions about their families. Some would be comforted with words, some with the encounter, and others with the feeling of being listened to. Mind you, helping out even just by listening can be draining yet it is also very fulfilling in terms of meeting the purpose of helping out. We all have this ability to give quick love.
In her book, Present Over Perfect, Shauna Nequist wrote:
“Making someone feel loved in an instant is so much easier than showing someone you love over and over, day in and day out.”
“It’s easy to be liked by strangers. It’s very hard to be connected to the people in your home when you’re always bringing them your most exhausted self and resenting the fact that the scraps you’re giving them aren’t cutting it.”
The struggle is real, and Nequist’s words made it all the more solid. I can relate, given my work as a speaker and in the helping profession. Likewise, I am at the stage of raising a family, maintaining a marriage, keeping a career, serving in ministry, and having extended families and friends asking for meet-ups. We all have a variety of matters on our plate and are juggling different balls all at the same time. Somehow, we all have moments when we give love, but we give “quick love” to the very people who matter, where even lots of quick love won’t work.
Quick love works for strangers, acquaintances, some friends, and people outside your home. In the digital age, we are also fast in giving quick love through likes and emoticons.
But in our home and family life, it’s real love that is needed—real love that is ready to be inconvenient, real love that listens despite the limitation of time, patience, and even skill. Real love builds people and relationships.
How do we tell them apart? Quick love is what we are used to—when we smile, give hugs, send virtual “I love you,” practice eye contact, and even have a hurried banter. These are easy and convenient.
Real love is authentic, slow, awkward, and at times, painful. This is the reality we face with the people we live with—those who see us at our best and at our worst. Persisting in this kind of love is more difficult and Scott Peck referred to this as a “decision.” Real love is a conscious choice— playing with our kids or helping them with homework, despite being tired from work. It is staying in the second hour of an unpleasant yet crucial discussion with our spouse. It is even calling off someone lovingly because of a wrongdoing while trying to understand the person.
So how do we ensure that we give real love to the people who matter to us?
- Choose between being admired and loved. If you choose being admired, then it is the superficial, fan-mode connection that you want and do with the people in your family. Choose to love by connecting deeply, most specially amidst critical issues.
- Go for deep conversations rather than quick, feel-good ones. While we need to laugh and enjoy each other, feel-good time may limit real and gut-feel family communications. We ought to talk regularly—both about the mundane and the deep, issue-based relationship and personal issues. Keep it real with our family. Be each other’s refuge, where we can reveal our true selves and get the support we need.
- “Make time” not only when there is time. We can be so busy that we try to buy time. This can be hard and challenging. It is done not for the sake of but because we want to establish person-to-person connections to build better relationships. Weekly spouse date nights, family time after a long week, catch-up chats with the kids, bi-weekly lunch with our aging parents and siblings. Make “making time” a habit, a process, and a routine done over years. Despite our busy-ness, our family would feel that we made time for them.
At the end of the day, we can have all those people we share and give quick love to, and I hope it is not your family. In the family, it is real love, slow love, and unconditional love that is needed. The family needs a mom, dad, or sibling— not a boss, teacher, or preacher. In all the seasons of family life, deliberately choose and work on the more difficult “real love.”
This was originally appeared in Family Reborn October 2017, but has since been updated.