My wife and I have been married for five years now and have two kids. We have attained a certain level of financial independence because of our successful careers. Lately, however, we are having some conflicts over financial matters because her mother got hospitalized for a long time. We promised to give our support but somehow we are also expecting my wife’s other siblings to do the same, especially as some of them are also well-off.
I don’t want my wife’s family to fight over money matters, and for my wife to feel that I don’t love her family, but we also have our financial goals and responsibilities to our children to think of.
How can we settle the issue without hurting my wife’s siblings?
Concerned Husband
Dear Concerned Husband,
You are blessed to be where you are at the moment. I honor your concern for your wife’s mother, and her welfare at most.
There are a lot of families who are in the same predicament as you are in now — caring for parents while raising your kids. It entails emotional, physical, and financial resources. I am not certain how close your wife’s family members are, but from your letter, it is apparent that their communication is not very well in place. You may be indeed expecting, but for some people, it is natural for them to just know they need to help, unless you disclose to them the need and the reality of the situation.
It would be best if you can help your wife speak to her siblings. Pray for her and support her in building her confidence and having the right words to say to her family. It should be her who will speak to them — in the most proper way possible. Use the level of relationship they have with each other, and with their mother as leverage in asking for help. I am certain they are all concerned and they all love their mother. Your wife needs to know how to best express her sincere intention, which is for all of them to show their love for their mother by helping out in her financial needs.
Then again, be open to the possibility that some of them may be hurt or feel offended, if the issue is sensitive in their family. Some would not even be open to pitching in to help. Be open to this. Pray for the best.
Start with the sibling your wife feels closest to so she can get him or her to talk with the rest. Don’t play the blame game, or count who should be giving more. If you are willing to forego what you have shared before, then I encourage you to do so.
You and your wife also need to be clear about your own family’s financial status, plans, including savings, investments, and love-giving or charity, which at present will go to her mother who is in need. Look at it as a love offering. It is not about who can give the most but who can give out of love and concern.
Work with your wife in preparing herself to present new terms and expectations to her family about your mother-in-law’s health update and the financial resources needed until she recovers. A shared burden among the family becomes less burdensome for each one. If they can plan for a long-term funding for their mother, then it would be the best. Again, be with your wife and support her desire to help their mother. Pray for the best for her family. This is something I am certain your wife will appreciate, and will help strengthen and clarify your values in your marriage and family.
God bless you both!
Michelle