Allow me to be up close and personal. Looking at my married life, there are important realizations that I hold. Most of them are insights of experts and proven by family science. Those theories that I read, study, and teach—they come alive in my life. They become so real to me. It is not about me having family life as my life work. But it is about me, learning and living family life theories as I see them unfold in my own marriage.
So here are my insights on the matters we tend to overlook in marriage, especially when life and the kids happen:
#1 A wedding is a day; a marriage is a lifetime
I had my dream wedding then, but Koots and I agreed to make things simple. We did not get into the latest wedding trend because we believe that what really matters is our relationship. We prioritized allocating our budget to fixing our home over an out-of-town honeymoon. Until now, we prefer to go do-it-yourself for most things rather than pay for fleeting things. Marriage is the one that will last, not the wedding day.
#2 Premarital years are equally important
We thought it was only boyfriend-girlfriend stage, but that phase is so crucial to the tone of marriage later on. The dynamics, the decision-making, and communication skills of the couple before they get married are the patterns that they will bring into the marriage.
#3 Love will not change your partner
We heard this over and over again. I thought he would learn to wake up early because I love mornings and I love breakfast. I thought he would wake up for me and enjoy what I love doing because he loves me. But I was wrong! Ideals are there in the marriage, but reality bites. I cannot ask Koots to change just because I want him to. He can only change if he wants to do it—for himself primarily. It will be a bonus if he changes and wakes up early for me. And he did—after some ten or so years of marriage. He changed only when I accepted the truth that he is beyond me and he is his own person.
#4 My partner is not a mind reader
Early on in our married life, I read a book that talked about the Tea Kettle Principle in relationships. It says that our partners, or anyone in our lives, are not mind readers. When Koots was courting me, he told me that in our relationship, we should not assume and that to assume is to make an “ass” of “U” and “ME.
It will be complicated if I expect him to know the unsaid, and messier for me to assume that he knows me as well. I cannot assume that he knows I want a new bag or a staycation for my birthday. I cannot assume that he knows I feel upset about not having time with him. And so we need to share, to lovingly explain, to do gentle prompts and processing, or sit down and verbally let our spouse know what we expect or what we are experiencing. Not assuming has avoided a lot of guesswork in our marriage early on, and it has influenced our relationship until now.
#5 Parenthood is a stage; parenting is the skill
We had children on the fourth year of our marriage. One thing I realized very early on is that parenthood is a stage. Before I became a parent, I had a marriage and a spouse to continuously nourish my relationship with. If we do not take care of our marriage, how can we give our children a healthy home? If we prioritize being parents over our marriage, how can we be attuned to the needs of our children? We can have the best parenting skills, but if we do not observe the healthy boundaries of marriage and parenthood, it will be a wrong formula. We vowed during our wedding day, “I take you as my spouse…” We did not vow to take each other to be parents of our kids. Until now, we keep dating. No matter how hectic our schedules are, we need to be attuned to each other as spouses.
The best thing we can give as parents is to be the best spouse, and then best parents to our children. We are blessed to have each other. Our married life is not perfect. Just because I am immersed in family work does not mean we are exempted from challenges. Life happens to us, too! Yet it is in living out these five important matters in our marriage that make our marriage matter to us and to the people who witness our union. Our goal is to grow more in love with Jesus and to share the overflow of Jesus’ love to each other and to those around us. He is indeed loving us through each other.
This first appeared in Family Reborn November 2017, but has since been updated.