Dan Hill’s song, “Why Do We Always Hurt the Ones We Love,” goes like this:
“Here we go again,
Hurting each other for no reason
Wondering why we keep repeating
The same mistakes.
Seems the more we give,
The more we’re disillusioned
Baby, what is it we’re doin’? Are we so scared of give and take?
Why do we always hurt the ones we love?
Just when it seems we’ve fin’lly made a breakthrough…”
It’s ironic that we tend to hurt deeper those who are closest to us, like our family members. And we find it hard to forgive them. Family conflict is part of life. It arises in human relationships because each one is different. These may be caused by differences in our points of view, deeply rooted wounds, a mindset we are stuck with, bad habits we cannot stop, or hurtful words said in a fit of anger. Whatever our reason is, forgiveness doesn’t come easy.
What small steps can we take to forgive the ones we love?
Adapting Bo Sanchez’s steps in his book, How to Build Happy Families, here’s how we can get on the road to forgiveness:
#1 Clean the Wound
My take on this: Before you can clean it, you have to acknowledge that there is a wound. Check the wound, then clean it. An issue cannot be resolved if you do not know what it is all about. At times, we cannot forgive because we belittle our pain. We do not recognize it or we keep it in a safe place for the sake of the relationship. But any wound will worsen if left untended. We need to honestly look at the relationship and the emotional pain it causes to properly address and heal it.
#2 Get Angry
Our upbringing and culture have conditioned us to be “nice” and condemned anger as “bad.” But we need to acknowledge our anger to be fully human and to be liberated from our pain. Being angry does not mean lashing out at our loved ones or saying demeaning words to attack the other person. Anger can be expressed in a healthy way. Cry, talk it over with safe friends, then move on. Your anger should have an expiration date. The end goal of anger is to move out of your pain and find forgiveness.
#3 Release Anger
After giving yourself a chance to be angry, decide to forgive. I’ll say that again: Decide to forgive. Like love, forgiveness is a decision and not just a feeling. It requires deliberate steps and consciousness to free yourself from the unpleasantries that unforgiveness brings. Pray for peace to come. Things may be different, but we are always given the chance to start our relationship anew. As Sanchez stressed, “Forgiveness isn’t necessarily bringing back the relationship to where it was before.”
#4 Forgive to Be Whole
The old saying holds true: “Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.” If you’re in the process of repairing your relationship, let go of the things that are beyond your control. Once you forgive, don’t look back. Get rid of angst and emotional baggages that impede the relationship. Forgiveness brings peace to the forgiver, and you owe that much to yourself.
Take the path to personal wholeness. A healthy relationship with yourself is key in forgiving others and establishing authentic love for anyone. If you can, start from zero, considering all the good points you have to bring in the family. After all, the most important effect of forgiveness is to make you whole again. Whether the other person granted you forgiveness or not, once you have freely given it and you are kind enough to forgive yourself, you have done your part.
Forgiving may be the most painful and humbling step to take. However, it is something you have to do because it is the only way to heal. It creates emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical peace and wellness. Forgiveness opens up spaces within you for more love. It is God’s gift to us — a process that should not be hurried. Forgiving people who have wronged you is making a decision to let go, be healed, move on, and enjoy life fully.
This first appeared in Family Reborn May 2017, but has since been updated.